


Never Again

by DeMarcos



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 17:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3258083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeMarcos/pseuds/DeMarcos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones gets drunk, black out - out of his mind drunk. When Jim comes back to their dorms, Bones proceeds to beat the tar out of him in a fit of rage. When he wakes up the next day, its with no memory of what happened or what he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mistaken Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This originated from an anon prompt on LiveJournal, which should tell you how old this work really is. It's been imported from FF.net and has been edited from the original document for format, as well as for any spelling and grammatical errors.

Bones quickly leaned forward to stop the playing message and thumbed his vid screen off when he heard the doors to the room whoosh open. He spun in his chair around to see Jim waltz in and start tugging his red uniform jacket off. "Hey." He said casually.

Pulling the fabric away from his body and tossing it aside, Jim turned his head to find Bones watching him intently. He would have thought it was due to his impromptu strip show but with a swift glance to the side, he saw Bones' hand tapping out an unsteady rhythm on the desk's surface. He was nervous about something and Jim, having roomed with the good doctor for three years now, could read all of his tells.

Plopping himself down into Bones' lap and throwing his arms around his neck, Kirk stared into warm brown eyes flecked with green, that were most definitely hiding something in their depths. If that weren't enough, he could feel how stiff and wound up Bones was, and not in a fun way. Jim ran his fingers lightly through the short hairs at the base of his friend's neck and smiled coyly. "I don't know what is going on, but I know stress when I see it and I know of the _perfect_ distraction."

"Oh, no... Your idea of distraction always contains the potential for academic suspension, which I still don't know how you've managed to escape all these years."

"Good clean living. Now come on, H'rung from my stellar cartography class is throwing a party because he aced all his interim exams and everyone is invited." Bones placed his hands on Jim's bare chest and slid his fingers down to rest on his hips. Launching himself up from the chair with a grunt of effort and gripping Jim firmly, he maneuvered them both over his bed and dropped them down onto the covers. Covering the younger man with the bulk of his body, Bones nuzzed at his cheek gently.

"I have a better idea. Let's replicate a bottle and just stay in tonight. We have the whole weekend ahead of us, just you and me. And it's a whole hell of a lot better than getting drunk on cheap brew and watching the recently promoted ensigns haze the new recruits. Besides, the last I heard, H'rung was itching to bash your face in and I really don't want to drag your ass home and patch you up. _Again_."

Jim pressed a kiss to Bones' lips and smiled. "Come on, you never want to go out with me any more. You're happier rotting away in this room like a good little cadet, doing all his homework and never having any fun."

"Now _that_ is a full of shit statement. We go down to the shore a few times a month, and I'm pretty sure we've hit every tourist attraction in the city. And I certainly didn't hear you complaining last night about us staying in… Come on, please? I don't feel like going out tonight."

Pushing Bones off of him, Jim sat up and scrubbed his face with a hand.

"You said it yourself, Bones. We have the whole rest of the weekend to ourselves and I promised H'rung I'd be there. He agreed not to work me over if I helped him hook up with the new Tellarite who came in with the fresh batch of recruits. For both our sakes, we should at least make an appearance. I get myself out of trouble and you can make sure I don't get into any more."

Bones rolled off the bed and moved to the chair, resuming his sitting position at the desk, pointedly not looking at Kirk. "Fine, just go then. But if you get into some stupid fight, don't come back here expecting me kiss your boo-boos better and fix you up with a lollipop afterwards. The clinic is always open and filled with doctors of more patience than I that you can bleed all over."

Jim would have responded but with Bones' back to him, he could clearly see the earlier tension thrumming through his shoulders and bleeding out from his voice. Deciding that Bones could take his attitude and shove it, Jim yanked off his pants, rifled through his closet for some decent partying clothes and was dressed in under five minutes.

He cast a glance back over at Bones, who was now scrolling through a padd in an attempt to ignore his roommate, and walked over to the door.

"Don't wait up."

The door shut before Bones could come back with a decent rejoinder and he decided instead to hurl the padd at the door. It bounced off the metal with a thump and clattered to the floor unscathed, though the screen oscillated on and off for a minute before going black. Standing, Bones moved to the replicator and ordered up a bottle of whiskey.

 

* * *

 

Shifting in the chair, McCoy was startled into wakefulness as the glass slipped from his lax fingers and shattered on the floor with a loud burst. A giggle erupted from his lips at the sight of the liquid pooling at his feet and he drunkenly got up, wobbling as he made his way over to the replicator. Missing his target, he ended up staring at a blank piece of wall for who knows how long before he stretched out his arm and searched for the button with a questing hand.

"C'mputer, Te'la."

"Request not recognized."

"Ta'ila!"

"Request not recognized."

" _Te_ - _qui_ - _la,_ you daffy robot!"

He heard the sound of the bottle materializing and scooted his body along the wall until he was face to label with the gold rotgut. Scooping it up, he shuffled back to his chair, shards of his previous bottle skittering across the floor in his wake and sat down. Bones set his vid screen to replay the message.

 

* * *

 

Jim waved goodbye to a few remaining party goers before slipping his hands in his pockets and headed out into the cool night air. The salty breeze felt pleasant on his overheated skin as he wound his way back to the dorm, and he took in a deep breath of sea air. He was extremely proud of the fact that he'd avoided any fights and even more so, that he'd barely hit on a group of the latest group of cadets, who'd been standing around nervously with their drinks clutched tightly in their hands. It was an attempt to get them to loosen up and enjoy the festivities but Jim had politely brushed off their advances once they'd gotten into the swing of things. Bones would be over the moon with him and his maturing behavior, if he wasn't still being a stubborn jackass when he got back.

He had wanted to bring Bones to the party because he had been dying to introducing them around as a real couple for the first time. Kirk had made for himself a pretty bad reputation his first year, but over the past few months after hooking up with Bones, he'd permanently removed himself from the market, and that reputation. Word had quickly circulated around campus afterward and now people were gossiping over who had tamed the infamous Jim Kirk and had been excitedly trying to guess who the lucky soul was.

Bones had been pretty adamant about staying in tonight, even going so far as to seduce him into remaining indoors, which wasn't like him at all. When they had time away from studying, classes and extracurriculars, Bones was usually dragging him out to the city in an attempt to give him some semblance of culture. As Bones had once told him, 'a Southern gentleman is supposed to be well versed in the finer aspects of life', to which Jim had snarked that he was from Iowa, not the South. McCoy had just cuffed him on the head as they'd walked along North Beach, looking out at the distant Alcatraz Island. Instead, he'd accused Bones of being a shut-in for not wanting to go to some juvenile party.

A light bulb spluttered to life over Jim's head and had his fingers not been seeking warmth from the chill night air in his pockets, he would have smacked his forehead for not realizing everything sooner. He'd known that Bones was edgy about something earlier, he had even picked up on it, but the hint had disappeared with Bones trying to get in his pants and their subsequent conversation. Something had happened, and Bones had wanted some small sense of comfort, a shoulder to lean on, but he had thrown in back into his face. This was one of those relationship things that he really needed to work on and Jim swore he would, right then and there, if Bones wasn't too angry with him.

Picking up his pace, Kirk hastened to their dorm, rushing past a few scattered pedestrians with a mumbled apology tossed over his shoulder. Skating through the main doors of the building, Jim called the lift, mentally going over how he could possibly make this up to his lover. He wasn't the type to forgive all over a quick screw and Kirk wouldn't try to demean their relationship by attempting such tactic either.

The doors slid open and he stepped in to the turbo lift, still mulling over his options. The whoosh of the doors brought him back to reality and Jim made his way to their shared room, keying in the pass code. The door opened with a hiss of air and Jim saw that the room was veiled in a pitch black shadow, save for a beam of pale light being cast from Bones' vid screen. It wasn't playing but Jim could see the face of Jocelyn frozen on the screen. This was the only medium Jim had ever seen her in but he could clearly make out the expression of self-importance on her face, and he knew it was never a good day for Bones when she deigned to contact him. The light bulb flashed again and Jim knew then what had put Bones in his weird mood.

Stepping forward into the darkened room, Jim called out. "Hey babe, I'm back. You asleep?"

The words had barely left his mouth when Jim was knocked backward by a solid blow to his face. Crashing back into the wall, Jim was just able to make out the form of his lover before he brought his fist down again. The second punch sent him sliding down to the floor, where Bones used the high ground advantage to kick him viciously in the stomach and legs. Pain flashed hot and intense through his nerves, and instinct told Jim to curl into a ball to block his body and head from the blows. He grunted in agony as a Bones' foot crunched down on his shoulder.

A disturbing, yet familiar popping noise filled the room and Jim cried out as he felt the joint in his shoulder separating, flashes of white blurring his vision in pulsating agony. The thick smell of liquor invaded Jim's nostrils as he felt Bones lean over him and grab the fabric of his shirt in his fist before he slammed his head into the angled space of the wall and the floor. Stars danced in front of Jim's eyes as Bones continued his attempts to bash his skull open. He felt blood begin to pour quickly from the wound and pool in his hair.

Not wanting to hurt Bones but wanting the fight to end, Jim thought back to his self defense training, focusing on how to take down an opponent, without harming them. He brought his legs up to the open space between Bones' body and his own, using the upward momentum to roll their bodies and rock Bones off of him. Once the weight had been lifted, Jim used his good arm to reach over and feel the dislocated shoulder. Under normal circumstances, he'd see Bones to fix it up but seeing as how the man in question had done the damage, he'd have to run it into a door jam to set it back in place.

As Jim went to sit up and assess the rest of his injuries, he felt a large hand close around a clump of his hair and yank.

"This is all your fault, you soul-sucking bitch!"

Bones brought Jim's head down onto his bent knee and Jim felt the cartilage in his nose crack. Blood came rushing out, spilling over his face and into his open mouth as he cried out. The hand twisted in his hair cruelly and Bones shifted so he had Jim pinned face down beneath him, the offending knee now digging in his spine and putting pressure on his shoulder.

Jim shouted and tried to buck Bones off before he snapped his spinal cord, kicking his legs out wildly in hopes of hitting him and distracting him enough to break the hold. Jim knew however that from the way the smell of alcohol was pouring off Bones in waves, he was topped off in Dutch courage and probably wouldn't feel a thing as the poison worked its way through his liver.

Considering also that drunks bent under pressure, his only option was to take the beating in a defensive mode only and pray Bones blacked out soon from all the exertion. If not, he'd end up with more than just a bloodied face and busted shoulder. This thought made its way through Jim's head as Bones began punching his back and sides, hand still clamped tight on his head. Jim could feel every strand of hair that was being pulled from his scalp in clumps as Bones brutalized him.

He tightened up his muscles to fend of the complete force of the blows, waiting until Bones was in mid-swing before he once more tried to make him lose his balance by jerking to his side and rolling over, completely forgetting about his shoulder. The resulting blossom of pain caused Jim to drop his current line of defense as his body was racked by throbbing tremors of anguish. Bones took the opportunity to resituate himself on Jim's chest, crushing his ribs and lungs under his weight, and bringing his fists down on his face once more.

He honestly didn't think he had much more blood in him as his senses were overwhelmed by the fresh flow, and Jim had to concentrate on not choking on the warm fluid filling up his nose and throat. Combined with the increased pressure on his chest, Jim was having a hard time dragging in enough oxygen to stay conscious. The sound of him gagging desperately was drowned out by the dull smack of flesh on flesh as Bones raged above him, the blows coming quicker, to the point where Jim thought his face would cave in.

The edges of Jim's vision began to grow dark and he knew that if he didn't do something, he could, in all probability, die underneath his boyfriend. For as much anger and fear he felt towards Bones right now, he knew that having another loved one leave would break the doctor's psyche irrevocably. Jim couldn't let that happen, no matter what. That and he didn't want to die without getting the chance to prove himself to Pike. In one last burst of strength as the life was being stifled out of him, Jim managed to rock his hips forward violently, sending Bones flying into Jim's desk.

His chin hit the surface with a resounding thump and Bones crumpled to the floor in a heap. Spitting out a mouthful of blood and breathing in deeply, Jim stared at Bones' supine form for a moment. He cautiously stood up and used a foot to position Bones on his stomach before weaving slightly towards the bathroom to clean himself up.

 

* * *

 

Slowly coming back, a groan of pain filtered from McCoy's lips as he felt the hangover immediately start pounding around his temples. He wanted to bury his head back in the pillow but as he took a deep breath, the scent of vomit and liquor lingered in the air. He knew that when Jim threw up after a night of partying, it never led to a very good morning and he groaned harder. Pushing back the covers, Bones sat up, peeling his eyelids back and squinted at the light. He was greeted to the sight of Jim spinning half circles in his chair while he tried to shovel cereal into his mangled mouth. Bones took in the cuts and bruises littering his face and the staccato movements of his left arm with a raised eyebrow and a shake of his head.

Seeing that Bones was awake, Jim smiled and held up his bowl. "Good morning sleepyhead." Looking over at the chronometer, he shrugged. "Just barely, I might add. Breakfast?"

The smell of bile and the sight of food made Bones curl is lip up. "How the hell can you eat after last night? It smells like a brewery in here for god's sake and you look like death warmed over!" That smile got wider and a cut on Jim's lower lip split open, a droplet of blood seeping out.

"Believe it or not, I only had two beers at the party and was a perfect gentleman to all. That smell is all _you_ , my booze soaked friend."

"Bullshit. I haven't gotten drunk enough to throw up in years. No sense in lying to me, since your face is telling me the whole story."

The grin slipped off Jim's face and doubt began to creep into Bones' head. He knew he had a few last night but years of drinking had built up his tolerance and he had cut back dramatically since enlisting in Starfleet. Lifting himself off the bed with a pained groan, Bones walked over to Jim to look over his injuries. Raising his hand to take Jim's chin in his grasp, Bones stopped when he spotted huge red abrasions dotting his own knuckles.

Stepping back, he lifted both his arms and saw similar marks on his other hand. The skin was torn up and had just scabbed over completely. Confused, he lifted his head back up to look at Jim.

"What the hell is going on here?"

Setting the bowl down on the desk, Jim stood up. Placing a hand on Bones' shoulder, he guided him back to the bed, and pushed on him slightly to make him sit. Kneeling down, Jim tucked his feet underneath himself and laid his head in Bones' lap. Bones immediately brought a wounded hand up, using his fingers to gently stroke Jim's hair and face. Jim closed his eyes and sighed, even when Bones found a cluster of goose eggs, dried blood and patches of missing hair on the crown of his head.

"I saw the message Jocelyn sent you last night." The soothing ministrations paused for a moment as Bones processed that statement before resuming.

"The best I can figure, news of the wedding and the fiancé wanting to adopt Joanna must have struck a nerve. And like an idiot, instead of staying here like you wanted me to and comforting you, I wanted to do my own thing and completely ignored what was going on with you. But I wanted to prove I could go out and behave without supervision and drank very little and kept it in my pants for the whole party."

Bones snorted and traced a finger around Jim's torn lips. "Knew I'd eventually have a positive influence on you some day."

"You don't even know the half of it. Walking back, I realized what an asshole I'd been and rushed back here, fully intent on apologizing my ass off in an attempt to make it up to you. I get all the way up here and I end up getting a fist in the face for my troubles."

Lifting his head, Jim watched the disbelief form on Bones' features.

"I found four bottles of hooch this morning, some strong shit, so I guess you must have got pretty lit because you worked me over real good. Didn't get two steps through the door before you punched my head into wall. Dislocated my shoulder, broke my nose, shattered the bones in my cheeks and damn near suffocated me before I managed to shake you off. You passed out on the floor after that, so I cleaned myself up and set my shoulder. Came back to see you had finally hurled and was glad for it, because I wasn't going to put you in the bed before _that_ happened and I didn't want to leave you on the floor all night."

"Jesus, Jim, why the hell didn't you try to stop me? How hard is it to stop a stumbling drunk?"

Jim pushed himself away from Bones and just stared.

"You weren't some _stumbling drunk_ , Bones, you were on a goddamn warpath! Every time I got you off of me, you came back harder and meaner! At one point, I _really_ thought you were going to kill me."

He lifted his shirt and Bones blanched at the display of flourishing bruises that covered Jim from neck to navel, an angry looking blotch centered on his pectorals. Covering his mouth with a shaking hand, Bones launched himself off the bed and dashed to the bathroom. Jim heard the faint sound of him dry heaving as he lowered his shirt back down, smoothing down the fabric absently. Some time later, Bones reappeared and moved to the bed, reaching under it to grab his med case and pull it out.

"Sit."

Silently, Jim settled on the bed as Bones set out his supplies and proceeded to remove his shirt, Jim lifting his arms without a comment, though there was a fair amount of pained hissing. Bones grimaced, grabbing his tricorder and swept it over his lover's ravaged body.

"You didn't set your arm right and you have some minor organ bruising. The bruises on your chest shouldn't cause any respiratory depression and there is no neural or optical damage that I can see. The zygomatic bone is fractured and the rest is superficial. Now stand up, I need to reset that joint."

Groaning, Jim did as he was told, stretching out his arm and gritting his teeth as probing fingers worked into the muscle in his bicep and shoulder to get the angle right. With a firm grip, Bones pushed forward until he felt the ball settle back into the socket correctly. Jim choked back a cry of pain, teeth clenched at the grinding sensation that vibrated through him and rattled his molars. Motioning for Jim to sit back down, Bones grabbed an osteogenic stimulator and began repairing the damage to his face.

Jim watched as Bones carefully and meticulously closed the cuts to his face with a dermal regenerator and reduced the swelling around his eyes and chest. When Jim saw a tear slip down the doctor's cheek, he gripped Bones' wrist gently, stilling his movements. Bringing his thumb up, Jim swiped away another tear and cupped the other man's face in his hand.

"Come on, you can't blame yourself for this. Not really. I understand why it happened and I forgive you. Hell, after you called me a 'soul-sucking bitch', I knew who you were really fighting, if not the reason why. Trust me, I am the master of deflection through alcohol, as you should well know by now after patching me up so often."

McCoy stared into those impossible blue eyes and couldn't believe Jim's words. "You sound like some airheaded abuse victim making excuses for her attacker. There is _no_ excuse for my actions and I couldn't even begin to ask you to forgive me. It wasn't right of me to take my anger out on you… not like this. But you got to believe me when I say I'll never let this happen again." He sucked in a breath. "If you still want to be with me, that is…"

Kirk grinned and pressed a kiss to Bones' forehead before moving down to his lips, kissing him over and over before finally moving to rest their heads together.

"I do. I _really_ do. And I'll even make you a deal. If you forgive me for being an ignorant uncaring ass, I'll do the same for you. Because if we don't move past this and just wallow in the guilt, you won't be able to fight for Joanna and I would never do that to you. It's too important to let some drunken brawl get in the way of keeping your daughter."

Bones managed to laugh through his tears and brought his hands up to mirror Jim's.

"What the hell did I ever do to deserve you?"

"After all the shit we've gone through, I think fate owed us both a favor. Now, no more crying because the back of my head is killing me and while I'm not a doctor, I don't think you can heal cuts with blurred vision."

"Well, you're in luck, because I _am_ a doctor and a damned good one at that, and I can do just about anything, so shut the hell up and let me do my job."

Bending his head down to give Bones better access, he twined Bones' free hand in his own and held it tight, feeling the tension in the air release when Bones gripped back, knowing then that they could get through this.


	2. The Sound of Silence

The Academy hospital was thrumming with life as McCoy waded his way through the hustle and bustle of the doctors, nurses and patients, eyes on his datapad as he shuffled around his schedule to fit in his newly acquired patient load. There had been an accident in the Engineering lab and the clinic was packed with injured cadets and instructors as the nurses separated the serious cases from the minor ones from the prerequisite lookie-loos that always flocked to them after a campus accident. As Bones was pushing back his afternoon surgery to accommodate the influx, a message blipped on his screen.

Opening the file, he saw the head nurse on shift had placed a personal request in curtain seven and listed the patient as minor. Knowing there was only one person who would throw his name around to get seen, McCoy grumbled under his breath as he turned around and headed back the way he came. As he approached the area, he could hear faint laughter emanating from behind the curtain. Frowning and slipping the padd into his scrubs pocket, McCoy tugged the fabric aside. He saw Kirk standing next to a demure Vulcan, who was seated calmly on the biobed, a curious expression on his face as he watched Jim. Jim turned his head to glance at McCoy as he entered and smiled wide at him. Bones cocked an eyebrow as he wondered what the hell Jim could have been talking about with a Vulcan that could explain all the laughter.

"Speak of the devil! Bones, this is Sopek from my advanced combat class. Sopek, this is Doctor McCoy."

Sopek nodded his head politely towards him and Bones noticed a veiled flinch of pain cross his features. Bones saw the area around his jaw was swollen and he pulled out his tricorder to scan over the area. "I knew they should have never made you assistant instructor. It inflated your already oversized ego and made you even more of an arrogant show-off. The mandible isn't broken but the temporomandibular joint is fractured. What the hell did you do to him?"

Jim ducked his head and scratched at his cheek with a finger. "We were working on locks today and I messed up my half-guard hold and elbowed him right in the face." He cast his eyes over to the Vulcan apologetically. "Again, I am _really_ sorry, Sopek. And since it's my fault he's here in the first place, I wanted to stay and make sure he got seen by the best."

Bones harrumphed at the comment as he reached into a cabinet to get an osteo-regenerator. "A nurse could have done this for you. _You_ just wanted to annoy me, jump ahead of all those Engineering gearheads out there and make sure I got even more behind on my rounds than I was before."

Jim smirked as Bones positioned the regenerator next to Sopek's jaw and the tiny area around them was filled with a quiet whirring sound as it repaired the damaged bone.

"Which reminds me, I won't get home til late since I had to reschedule my afternoon surgery for this evening... Goddamned Engineering is going to blow up half the Academy one of these days and _guess_ who'll be left to pick up all the smoldering pieces?"

He turned the regenerator off and rescanned Sopek's jaw one last time before turning to Jim. "You should let me look at that shoulder. The possibility for hairline fractures is high after a dislocation and you may have aggravated it when you rammed your elbow into your unfortunate companion's jaw."

Bones reached his hand out to place on Jim's shoulder but the action caused Jim to jerk backwards quickly. Something akin to fear flashed through his eyes at the movement before he was able to carefully school his features into a complacent mask.

"Don't worry about it. It hasn't been giving me any troubles, so I think I'm okay." Bones clenched his jaw tightly as Jim deflected and moved around him to the other side of the bed, toward the opening of the privacy curtain.

Sopek seemed to pick up on the quickly building tensions and cleared his throat. "Thank you, Doctor, for tending to my injury so expediently. We will leave you now so that you may return to your work."

Nodding curtly, Bones pulled the curtain back and motioned for them to exit. "Try to keep from overworking the jaw too much and if you feel any residual pain over the next few days, come back and see me." He turned to Jim.

"I'll see you later tonight."

Without a comment, Jim followed Sopek out, waiting until they were a few paces away before he began to talk animatedly to the Vulcan once more. Bones mentally cursed himself and told a nurse he was taking a coffee break and to turf his patients to another doctor until he returned. Retreating to the solitude of the lounge, Bones poured himself a coffee and sat down in one the uncomfortable chairs.

He had lost count of how many times Jim had flinched away from his touch over the past two weeks and while he understood _why_ , he'd thought they'd moved past this. Jim had straight out told him that knew Bones had mistakenly lost control that night and that he trusted Bones implicitly when he said that he wouldn't repeat his actions again. But every time he moved into Jim's periphery, or startled him or even tried to move closer to his sleeping form when he'd return from the hospital at night, Jim would clench up like he was expecting to be hit again. The psychology behind it spoke of past abuse but Jim had never said a word about his childhood other than that 'it sucked'. But Bones said nothing of it and hoped that it would eventually blow over as they tried to move on in their relationship.

They had gone out into the city a few days after in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere to get dinner and walk around Old San Francisco, and when Bones had taken Jim's hand in his as they strolled down the main drag, he'd felt Jim freeze up momentarily before relaxing into the gesture. And sex was practically nonexistent for them anymore. Jim usually had an insatiable libido and Bones could sometimes barely keep up with the younger man but if he was too scared to even _sleep_ next to him at night, Bones shuddered to think what would happen if he tried to initiate anything. Hell, that hadn't even kissed since the morning after he had to repair Jim's mangled face.

He looked down to his knuckles, the damaged skin stretched over the bone ridges tightly as the new cells replicated over the wounds. Jim had given him a weird look that day when he'd said that he didn't want to heal the skin, that he wanted as a reminder of how he screwed up so that it would keep him from doing it again. Bones already had the mental scars from his father's illness and the on-going divorce proceedings, why not have a physical set to let him know how much he'd truly messed his life up?

_That_ thought jarred Bones from his reverie. That was the same mental tack he'd had when Jocelyn had told him she was leaving him and taking Joanna with her. Still reeling from his father's death, he'd believed that was what he deserved, to lose the hard-earned life he had so meticulously built around himself and proceeded to allow Jocelyn to take everything he'd ever had in the world, including his beloved daughter. If Jim had taught him anything over the past three years, it was that he shouldn't live a life where he is willing to let people walk all over him in a morbid sense of attrition to those he'd wronged.

Bones realized he didn't want to just accept the fact that he was letting his lover slip away as he wallowed in his guilt and sorrow over the whole ordeal. If he wanted to fix things, he couldn't let their relationship crumble under the weight of their mutual silence. Abandoning his untouched cup, Bones stood up, resolved to sit Jim down and talk this out like the adults they claimed to be.

Even if it killed them both.

 

* * *

 

Much later on that night, McCoy stepped through the door into their dorm to find Jim working on a datapad. He looked up as Bones was setting his things down and smiled over at him. "Good news. The injunction went through on the adoption proceedings and they're going to contact you when they set a date for you to meet Jocelyn in a mediation council."

A portion of the weight that had been bearing down on him for two weeks lifted at the news that there was still a chance his harpy of an ex-wife might not be able to take everything away from him.

"You also have five messages and three guesses who they're from. The first two don't count."

Bones huffed out a chuckle as he crossed the room to his screen. True to form, Jocelyn had sent him what he could only guess were livid vids, possibly of her wondering how he could ruin her life anymore than he already had. For right now, she could go screw herself because he had more important things to worry about than her blood pressure.

Taking a seat on the bed, the exhaustion from his busy day wearing on him, he stared at Jim as he continued his own work, though Bones saw him peeking out of the corners of his eyes every now and again. After a while, giving up any pretense of not sensing Bones' eyes on him, Jim set his padd down and spun in his chair to return his partner's gaze.

"We need to talk." Bones said quietly, taking a moment to appreciate the irony that he'd always been on the other side of those words in the past as he watched Jim shift nervously in the chair.

"What about?" He asked nonchalantly, not fooling anyone.

Launching off the bed, Bones reached out to grab Jim's head between his hands but Jim quickly planted a foot to the floor and pushed himself back out of Bones' reach. He didn't have a lot of room to maneuver, the back of his chair hitting the desk, and a barely audible gasp fell from his lips as Bones cupped his cheeks. He ran a thumb over the skin of Jim's face, tracing the lines of his mouth.

" _That's_ what we need to talk about. Every time I even so much as try to touch you, you act as if I'm trying to attack you again. It's breaking my heart, Jim and I _don't_ get it. Two weeks ago, you told me you understood what happened, that you knew it wouldn't happen again and forgave me. _You_ were the one who said we should just forgive and move on with our lives. Now you're walking around like a dog that's been beat too often every time we're together! What the hell else do I have to do to prove myself to you, to prove I'm not some monster?"

Jim stood up sharply, causing Bones to step backward as he moved away from him to pace around the room nervously. Bones watched him run a hand through his hair, knowing the look of intense contemplation on his face. Jim was choosing his next words very cautiously, something he rarely ever did.

"You want the truth, Bones?" He stopped and raised his hands in an empty gesture. "Nothing. There is absolutely _nothing_ you can do that is going to help me get past _this_ any faster. What's done is done and anything you try to do is just going to make it worse."

"Then why the hell did you tell me it was all right? Why make me think that you were okay, with that line about trusting me and forgiving me? Was that all just bullshit to make me feel better? Are you really _that_ afraid of me that you won't even let me hold your hand?"

" _Yes!_ "

Bones let out a stunned breath, Jim's words like a forceful blow to his stomach. He'd not been expecting that. And by the wide-eyed look Jim was giving him, neither did he. But it was out now and he plowed onwards, taking the open opportunity to get it off his chest.

"I _am_ afraid of you, Bones! I thought it'd be fine, just to forgive and forget but I'm afraid that when I come home, that the second I walk through that door, I'm gonna to be greeted by a fist or that you might come back after a hard practical exam or a surgery that went wrong, with your breath smelling like whiskey and take your frustration out on me. And I am scared to death of what could happen if you lose this case and Joanna gets adopted and you go off the deep end! That you might actually finish what you started if that happens!"

"How long have you known me, hmm? In all that time, have you even seen me get that violent? Or that inebriated? Even when we went out drinking together, I never had that much because I knew I would have to haul _your_ ass home at the end of the night or let you rot in the gutter."

"I know, Bones, believe me, I _know_ that, but what about when you're father died? You told me you almost drank yourself into a coma! If it happened then and it happened now, how can you tell me it won't happen again in the future? How can you promise me that? Part me knows, deep down, I know that you won't let it happen again but now the chance is always there. And that is what scares me the most."

"That's a bit hypocritical coming from you, considering the state I first met you in, yet I trust you not to get drunk and go stick your dick in everything that moves."

"You met me after one of the worst nights of my life and since then, I have worked hard to change who I used to be." Jim hissed, pointing a finger at Bones, before curling it back and taking a deep breath. "To be better for you and better for myself. I know what it's like to work towards that change and I want to help you, but you have to let me deal first."

"And that would be fine, if you were _actually_ dealing with this! But you're shutting me out instead of talking to me! I'm not stupid, Jim, I'm a doctor and I know what's going on. I've patched you up fight after fight, just so you to go out for more and you have _never_ exhibited any of the symptoms you are now. What the hell is so different about the guys you've fought with before and now?"

"Because I didn't _love_ any of the guys who beat the shit out of me!"

There was a pregnant pause as Bones stared at Jim. They'd been seeing each other for a few months, after dancing around each other for the better part of a year, but they'd never said that little four letter word to each other before.

"You... You _love_ me?"

Jim dropped down on the bed, appearing to deflate as he stared up at Bones.

"Of course I do. How could I not? And this hurts me so much more because I had to watch you try to kill me and even after all that, I still love you. I never had to worry about what happened to the guys at the bar or even my stepdad because I didn't care about them. But I care about you, about us… about our future together. And after too many years of living with my dick stepdad, it became second nature to react at every little movement and I find myself slipping back into those old habits around you and I don't _want_ to. I don't want to fear being near you or my feelings for you. I didn't give a shit about him, so avoiding him was easy. But with you, I…"

Bones sat down on the bed next to Jim and sighed before carefully placing his hand over Jim's, feeling a slight tremor run through him at the touch.

"I really fucked up, didn't I?"

Their fingers intertwined slowly.

"That's putting it mildly."

"Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. Anything at all and it's done. You want to take a swing at me? I'll give you as many free shots as you want."

Jim chuckled and turned blue eyes on his lover.

"As tempting as that sounds, I really don't think that'll do any good for either of us."

"So what do you suggest I do?"

Jim bit his lip as Bones pleadingly looked at him.

"I think you need help."

 

* * *

 

Jim watched as Bones took a deep breath before bringing a finger up to press down firmly on the communication panel. "Enter." A pleasant voice said through the speaker. The door slid open and Jim walked in behind Bones to see a black haired man sitting behind a desk.

"Ah, Doctor McCoy, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Like you don't already know why I'm here, Talloc, you sly bastard."

"As you very well know, it's always better to have one admit their problems than for us to assume the worst, otherwise you'd be performing T-cell replacement surgery on a flu patient and I'd be trying to psychoanalyze a Klingon on his bloodlust."

He and Bones shared a laugh before Talloc motioned with a hand to a set of chairs. "Please, have a seat."

Jim sat down, watching Bones and Talloc banter back and forth for several minutes before he finally realized that Talloc was a Betazoid. The eyes were usually a dead giveaway but seeing how open Bones as they spoke indicated that he didn't even dare to try and bullshit him or pull any of his medical double-speak.

"So, who is your friend?"

"Oh hell, where are my manners? Talloc, this is my boyfriend Jim Kirk. Jim, meet Talloc Hagen, head of psychology, all around know-it-all and general pain in my ass. Other than you, of course."

"Ha-ha." Jim deadpanned at Bones' joking tone. Had he been any younger, he would have stuck his tongue out at Bones' feigned annoyed expression but was able to suppress the urge. Barely.

"That's very good, I see the lines of communication are still open between the two of you. It's a promising sign that the foundation of your relationship is solid and can be reinforced, with the proper effort and work."

They turned their heads to see Talloc leaned back in his chair, examining the two of them with a scrutinizing look. "I'm sorry, please continue. This is all very helpful."

"Sorry doc, we really didn't come here to get our heads shrunk. I wanted to know if you are still running that anger management class of yours. The cadet run one is just a bunch of meatheads gloating over their fights and they meet at the same time as my astrophobia group."

Talloc hemmed at this. "I think you'll want to try more than just anger management at this point, Leonard. Sure, it's a step in the right direction, no doubt, but not the only option you should explore. If I may be so bold to suggest, I would like to start seeing you for regular sessions."

Bones opened his mouth to cut Talloc off but he held up a firm hand up to silence him.

"If you take the classes, it will teach you how to recognize anger triggers and mediate situations before they get violent but it won't help you recognize the roots of your problem. Our sessions would delve into that area and knowing your class load and clinic schedule is very hectic, I would start you off at one meeting a week or so, in tandem with my classes."

"Come on now, Bones, that doesn't sound too bad at all."

"Yeah, real _peachy_. I barely manage to find time to eat and sleep as it is, so how the hell am I going to juggle this, too?"

"Hey, you told me you'd do anything and that means making some sacrifices, dammit. I'm sure the astrophobes can deal without you for a while and I can miss some of the xenolinguistics club meetings to help you with your class studies. We can do this."

"I'll make sure I don't overburden you too much, Leonard. I'd also suggest that after a few sessions, we include Jim in the process to promote a renewed sense of cohesion between you."

Jim's eyes widened. "Excuse me? No, that's quite all right, I don't need 'talk about my feelings' with anyone besides him." He jabbed a finger in Bones' direction.

"Now come on, Jim. I did say I'd do anything and if it'll help us get over this, it's worth making the sacrifices. If I can do it, so can you. You never know, it could help." Bones wasn't happy about the new turn of events but if Jim got dragged down with him, it would make him feel a little better.

Jim narrowed his eyes at Bones, who was doing his damndest trying to suppress a grin. It'd only taken his lover like two minutes to throw his words back in his face. He had to respect and admire such a quick tongue and wit. " _Traitor_. Fine, whatever you say, Doc."

Talloc grinned, glancing between the two of them.

"Excellent. Jim, if you would please excuse us for a moment, I need to talk to Leonard for a moment."

Eyebrows furrowing together, Jim nodded and stood up, exiting the office with a brief glance at Bones over his shoulder. When the door shut behind him, Talloc met Bones' eyes in a serious gaze.

"I didn't want to say anything in front of Jim because he wouldn't dare suggest it himself for reasons that are his own and a few that you are already aware of. I'm assuming you haven't had anything to drink since that night."

Bones nodded his head. "Not a goddamned drop. And believe me, it's been a trial but Jim's been checking our room and the replicator records every day since then for any signs of relapse. He just won't say anything because I know damn well he's been going out to the bar to avoid me or to drown his sorrows, and he's afraid I'll accuse him of being a hypocrite or something. But it's important to him, so I'm trying."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it. That truly is one of the first steps but I want to suggest an abstinence program for you right now. It's a new one the Academy, implemented for people on the exploration track like you are now. Since a lot of the planetary cultures include alcohol in the sealing of negotiating treaties, along with the rigors stress can have on crews in deep space for extended periods of time, it focuses more on control techniques, along with sobriety in those cases."

"You really think that's going to work?"

"With everything else we've talked about doing, yes. And before we bring Jim in on our sessions, I want you to spend your time on trust techniques with him. I'll send you a file on some of the more popular ones I have my patients work on. Right now, that is what is going to help your relationship the most. His mental state now is wavering, even with you coming here today and whether he admits it or not, it's the biggest factor standing in the way of you two re-bonding. He's having trouble reconciling what you did with what others have done in the past, which with what I've picked up from our brief meeting, was pretty painful. He puts on a strong, understanding front because that's his pattern but it's done more harm than good so far.

"It's not a term I'm happy in using with my profession, but he's damaged and what happened created a divide between you that won't be removed unless you help him out. And if you succeed in doing this, he'll be better able to help you in turn with your own journey."

Bones bit his lip as the quiet in the room impressed upon him Talloc's words.

"What if I fail trying to help him and just make matters worse? He barely even lets me near him anymore and if I press him, it could push him further away. I can't lose Jim, Talloc. I've had enough loss in my life and I can't bear the idea of not being with him."

Talloc stood up and moved around the desk.

"That's kind of the idea in building trust, being afraid. Trust tears away the burden of fears, makes us fight to persevere and makes us stronger for it. I won't lie, it's going to take hard work and it won't be easy but remember what you just said when you feel like you're slipping or pushing Jim away. Let that thought bear you over any speed bumps." He paused for a moment, eyes staring into Bones'. "If it helps any, he's not prepared to let you go either."

Bones got to his feet and nodded his head, clapping Talloc's shoulder. It did make him feel better, knowing that Jim was refusing to let go without a fight.

"I can't thank you enough for wanting to help, Talloc."

"Think nothing of it. I'll send you that file along with the anger management class schedule and when I want us to meet next."

Talloc opened the door and they stepped out to see Jim leaning against the wall, beating a rhythm along the surface with his fingernails. Glancing over, he pushed himself off the wall and walked over to stand next to Bones.

"You got yourself a good one here, Jim. Don't forget that. And if you find yourself not able to make a meeting, you'd best let me know because I won't hesitate to hunt your scrawny Southern ass down."

"Believe me, Talloc, I know." Bones had gone to him because of his tenacity and dedication to his patients, not only because they were colleagues. "See you later."

Sending Talloc a small wave, Jim and Bones made their way down the hallway in silence. As they stood waiting for the turbolift, Bones slid his hand into Jim's and felt heartened when Jim didn't flinch or freeze up at the touch. It made hope blossom in his mind that maybe, eventually, things would be all right.


	3. With Friends Like These

_This happened because he made a mistake. Not just one. He made many mistakes during the time they spent together. He knows he tried to be forgiving, but who can just shrug away a stab in the back? Such a mistake will change a relationship irreversibly, even if we have learned from the mistake and would never repeat it. Our world, with its rules of causality, has trained us to be miserly with forgiveness. By forgiving them too readily, we can be badly hurt. But if we've learned from a mistake and became better for it, shouldn't we be rewarded for the learning, rather than punished for the mistake?_ \- Braid

 

 

* * *

 

"Goddamnit Jim, there are people _dying_ down there!" McCoy glowered at Jim, not caring that the entire bridge was watching them with bated breath, drawn to the battle of wills between the two proud, volatile men. Jim puffed out his chest as he took in a deep breath and stared right back, matching the doctor's heated gaze with one of his own.

"I am well aware of that, Doctor but we have our orders from Starfleet not to go planetside and I intend to follow them until told otherwise."

" _Screw_ the damn orders! It is medically unethical and immoral to just stand here with our thumbs up our collective asses while a plague _ravages_ that planet!" The anger pouring off McCoy in waves was unbearably palpable to all who watched as he stood, back rigid and his hands clenched into fists, waiting for Jim's response. It was Spock however, who moved up behind Jim to address McCoy.

"Be that as it may, Doctor McCoy, this planet sets on the border of the neutral zone and to interfere would place this crew, along with Starfleet and perhaps the Federation, in danger of total war with the Romulans while negotiations are ongoing. There is also the Prime Directive to consider as well, doctor."

Jim had been delicately trying to avoid mention of the Prime Directive to Bones and inconspicuously stepped away from Spock and towards Bones, who leveled a fierce glare at the Vulcan that could have evaporated raw dilithium. Spock arched a brow at the intense scrutiny but appeared otherwise unfazed.

"Well, _you_ all may be comfortable in hiding behind that damn directive but as a doctor, _I_ have a moral obligation to try and save those people! The Romulans certainly aren't going to until they get their pound of flesh from the Federation, so that leaves us to help them!"

"As a ranked senior officer on this ship, Doctor McCoy, you are honor bound to lay down your life in order to uphold the Prime Directive, not fly in the face of it. If you are to make any attempt to help the peoples of Irnan, we will be forced to confine you to the brig."

"Come on, Bones," Jim said placatingly, "you know as well as I do how these political things work. I don't like it any more than you do and if it were up to me and under different circumstances, we would already be down there. But until Starfleet is able to finalize negotiations, we're stuck up here. So let's just go down to the mess and get some coffee or something. I'm sure this will all blow over soon."

Jim moved closer to Bones in an attempt to guide him off the bridge but Bones threw his hands up disgust and almost clocked Jim square in the face. Jim's eyes grew wide as he outwardly flinched and faltered back into Spock, who quickly caught him and braced the captains' shoulders to steady him.

There was a collective startled pause on the bridge as Jim straightened himself out, Bones looking on in horror. Taking a deep breath, Jim imperceptibly motioned to his ready room with a tilt of his head. Nodding silently, Bones moved to follow him, the crew's eyes tracking their movements until the ready room door hissed shut behind them. They had all seen a few love spats between the two of them in the two years they'd been on the _Enterprise_ but this had a different air about it entirely.

They all shared a look as Spock stood stock still, staring down at his hands before he pulled himself together, casting one last look at the closed doors before sitting down in the captain's chair.

"As you were."

 

*~*~*

 

As soon as the door closed, Jim turned around and Bones immediately cupped Jim's face in hands, hazel eyes locking on to clear blue. Jim breathed in slowly, counting each exhale as they began one of their many trust exercises. As they maintained eye contact, Bones ran his thumb over faint stubble, waiting for Jim to start.

"I felt threatened by your actions, even though I know it was not your intention. I _know_ you meant no harm."

"I was just upset about our orders and I wasn't thinking about where I was directing my anger and I'm sorry."

Jim closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on Bones' for a moment before stepping back to lean on the desk. Bones folded his arms against his chest and mirrored Jim's posture, watching closely as Jim scrubbed his face.

"Well… That was extremely awkward."

"Do you think we're going to have to run damage control with the crew? You know how fast the gossip mill runs around here. It's like we're back in high school." Jim said, shaking his head.

"Hopefully we can avoid that. Maybe they'll just think you dragged me in here to harangue me for dressing you down like that and that'll be that."

"Right, after I skillfully ducked your hand by jumping back like a little girl."

Bones snorted. "Which was graceful, by the way. Haven't seen moves like that since I was in cotillion classes."

Jim didn't dignify the jab with a remark. "The point is, if they ask questions, what do we tell them? Talloc said it might eventually come up, being in such close quarters for so long and it was up to us whether or not we should disclose anything."

"I may be paraphrasing here but let's burn that bridge when we come to it. It's been two years and so far, we've been able to avoid anything like this." Bones paused as he watched Jim consider the options. "Do you think we should call Talloc before our next appointment or just bring this up when we talk to him next?"

"Unless this stalemate with the Romulans ends sometime soon, we'll just have to wait. Speaking of, we really should get back out there. I'm not expecting the admiralty to contact us for a while but the crew might get concerned if we stay in here too long. Do I have to worry about you absconding with half the medical supplies and hijacking your way to the surface or will you be able to wait until we get the go ahead from Starfleet?"

"I can keep my peace until then. Just don't expect me to be happy about it."

Jim pushed himself off the desk, Bones' hand catching his in a fleeting touch of fingers before Bones stood, kissing Jim tentatively.

"I truly am sorry."

A nod of his head was his only response, Jim turned and opened the door to a sea of concerned eyes watching them. Bones quietly broke off to step into the turbolift, glancing at Jim as Spock turned the chair back over to him before the doors closed. He'd thought they had been doing well but he didn't have to be a Betazoid to know there was something new brewing under the surface of their relationship.

 

* * *

 

While Jim had been worried about people asking him what had occurred on the bridge, he had not been expecting it to come in the form of a Vulcan and his long legged sidekick. He had been sitting in the mess, debating on whether the meat on his plate could actually be considered food when Spock and Uhura set their own trays down and sat down across from him.

He looked around, noticing the mess was practically deserted and recognized an ambush when he saw one. "Mr. Spock, Lieutenant. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Uhura unwrapped her silverware and proceeded to cut her meat into sections, silently deferring the question to Spock.

"We are concerned as to what transpired on the bridge yesterday during your argument with Doctor McCoy."

Jim, being the master of deflection, took the opportunity to sidestep the issue and fit a smirk on his face. "You can't really expect him to happy with us being in orbit around Irnan while having to maintain the stance of non-interference while a plague decimates the population. He's a doctor and he takes it seriously when he has to ignore the oath he took in order to satisfy his oaths as an officer. It's just how he is and honestly, I wouldn't have assigned him to the position if he didn't care as much as he did."

He had expected the bullshit eyebrow to come up, just not on Uhura's features. He had to keep himself from laughing at just how much the two of them were made for each other.

"Cut the crap, Jim. You know damn good and well what we are talking about. _Sir_."

Knowing then that he wasn't getting around them, Jim sighed in resignation and set his fork down. "Fine, have it your way. What do you want to know?"

"Captain, when you backed into me, I gained a brief moment of insight into your mind."

Jim held up a hand and tilted his head in confusion. "Wait, I thought you had to be in a mind meld to see stuff in people's heads."

"While that is generally true, the prowess of the Vulcan mind is culminated of much more than just the meld. I was only subject to a momentary observation of your surface thoughts while we were in such close proximity and what I became privy to has troubled me greatly. When I conveyed my concerns to Nyota, along with what I had seen, she recalled an encounter that was similar in nature to what I had seen."

Jim began to panic. He could have charmed and conned his way into making them believe whatever about him freaking out when he saw Bones' arms coming towards his face, but to have been given a front row seat into where his mind had gone in that instant was something else entirely. Spock had said he caught just a glimpse though, so there was still a chance he could play this one off.

"Well, what the hell did you see that has got you two so worked up?"

"An image of the doctor sitting on your chest while he repeatedly attacked you. Your emotional state conveyed it was in anger and not in simulated combat."

A litany of curses flew through Jim's mind as any chance of avoidance evaporated at the monotone summarization.

"When Spock told me that, I remembered seeing you one morning, talking to the head of the xenolinguistics club over a vidscreen. You were asking for someone to cover for you and you had these huge cuts and bruises on your face. At first, I thought you had just gotten into a fight and were licking your wounds. But even then, you never avoided classes or extracurriculars if you were out all night fighting. It always stuck me as a bit off character."

"This recollection, along with what I saw, has led me to question the true nature of your relationship with the doctor."

Jim's jaw dropped, both eyebrows shooting up in absolute shock.

"Excuse me? Just what the hell are you implying when you say 'true nature'?"

Uhura slid her hand across the table, placing it over Jim's as she looked him in the eye. "It's okay, Jim. We're all friends here and we just want to help you. We all see how you are with him. You avoid going to the sickbay, you habitually try to keep him away from alcohol and no one can deny that he doesn't exactly have the best of demeanors, even at the Academy. At first, we thought it was a few quirks, why you guys were so compatible, but now… All you have to do is say the word and we can put a stop to this."

"You guys have no idea what you are talking about, so please just drop it."

In what to be the best timing ever, Bones chose that moment to walk into the mess. Spotting Jim, he came over to stand next to the table, looking down at the group, nodding to Uhura and Spock before turning to Jim.

"I managed to catch Talloc and he says that he can see us real quick, if you're not busy." Jim had never been gladder to have a session with the man in his life and grinned up at Bones in relief.

"Please, get me out of here." Abandoning his tray, Jim rose to his feet and quickly followed Bones out from the scrutiny of his would-be Inquisitors. As the pair disappeared out of sight, Uhura turned a worried eye to Spock, who arched a brow in return.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks, Jim and Bones both started noticing that they were never left alone together. Jim had told Bones what Spock and Uhura had questioned him about during their meeting with Talloc, who suggested that this would be the right time to come clean with the crew instead of trying to hide what had happened on the bridge. While Bones thought it wasn't any of Spock's business, nor anyone else's, he thought telling the truth would be better than letting everyone think the worst of them. Jim wasn't so sure, but after deciding it was better to keep their private lives private, he noticed Bones starting to get more and more upset every time the Vulcan appeared, and became increasingly pissy around everyone, including even him.

At first, Jim thought it was the crew looking out for what they assumed was the captain's best interest, much to their mutual dismay. When the stand-off with the Romulans came to an agreeable end and Bones and his team was allowed down to the surface of Irnan to aide the people, Spock suddenly spouted off why Jim should not be allowed to accompany the away team, lest he be stricken with the virulent strain of plague. He reluctantly agreed to stay behind after enduring twenty minutes of Spock quoting codes and regulations. Kirk then found himself once more cornered by Uhura while the landing party was gone, though he was able to sidestep anymore uncomfortable questions by secluding himself in his ready room.

Days later, while overseeing Scotty's upgrades to the warp core, Jim suffered a burn when the inertial dissipation module shot out a back draft of energy while the new couplings were being fitted. As the sickbay was overrun with injured engineers, Jim caught sight of Spock wading his way through the crowd. Thinking it was just to get the incident report, Jim rattled off the particulars while he was waiting to be seen. But when he resolutely stayed by Jim's side as Bones repaired the burned tissue to then quickly usher him out, he started to get more than just a little annoyed.

It continued on like this, meals became a team sport with whoever had been tasked to watch them and any private moment was immediately interrupted. The medical staff was treating McCoy like a pariah and the crew would give Jim sympathetic glances when they passed him in the halls.

The final straw was when Bones and Jim finally got a moment to themselves after a hectic mission that got plenty of good men killed, that resulted hours of calling family members and grieving with them, followed by the mind-numbing task of filing stacks of reports. Trying to wind down from the forty hour adrenaline rush, he and Bones had holed up on the observation deck, slowly making out as the stars drifted by, just reveling in the fact that they'd made it out alive. As the kisses became more passionate, Bones threaded his fingers in Jim's hair, pulling his head back to gain better access to his neck. Jim let out a startled gasp as Bones tongue laved at the taut flesh. There was the sound of someone clearing their throat a few feet away from them that shattered the intimate moment.

Both heads turned to see Spock approaching the settee they were perched upon. "Captain, you've received a transmission from Starfleet detailing the objective of our next assignment. It is recommended that we go over the specifics before we reach Tarandi IV."

Jim groaned, fed up with the interruptions and stood up to take the padd from Spock, skimming over the data before handing it back.

"This can all wait until alpha shift, Mr. Spock. Right now, I'm too beat to deal with it."

Spock arched that damnable eyebrow and Jim really wished he'd been in a better state of mind, to more wisely choose his words. "You _know_ what I mean, Spock. Beat, exhausted, burning the candle at both ends. Just... wait til tomorrow, okay?"

"Captain, the parameters need to be discussed-"

"No, goddammit! I know what you are doing and I've had it up to here with this bullshit! I am going to my quarters now to have sex with my partner and I do _not_ want to be disturbed unless absolutely necessary. Is that understood, _Commander_?"

Spock folded his hands behind his back, spine straightening to beyond regulation attention at the order. "Understood, Captain, my apologies."

Clasping Bones' hand in his own, Jim turned his head sharply upwards and dragged Bones out of the observation room, grumbling under his breath.

"Talloc said we should have just come clean with everyone and you wouldn't listen. Now look where we are."

Jim stopped short in the hall and turned around to look at Bones. "I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want the crew looking at us differently. At _you_ differently. They trust their lives and their well-being in your hands, and I don't want that to change because of something that happened years ago. We've worked hard to put it behind us and it's unfair to us have them dredging this back up because of some stupid misinterpretation."

"Well, apparently ignoring it didn't work! But since that's the tactic you take with everything else involving our relationship, I can't say I'm too surprised."

"Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Let's just ignore the fact that you're worried everyone might look at me like I'm some kind of monster, which is insulting enough... but since this all started, I've worked my ass off trying to make amends to you, going through the programs and watching every little thing I do going on almost four years and not _once_ since that first day have you ever said _it's okay, Bones_ , or _I forgive you, Bones_. Every time, I bend over backwards to make amends, yet you do nothing to acknowledge that you've actually forgiven me. I've said I'm sorry so many times, it's become an involuntary mantra and yet you still won't say anything back! It's like you've built this little invisible prison that I can never get work my way out of, no matter what I do or how hard I work. There has never been a relapse in all this time, and yet you're still treating me like I'm that screwed up cadet from years ago! And the more you try to hide it, the more I realize just how one-sided this," he motioned a hand between them, "has become."

"In case you forgot, the last time I tried forgiving you, it didn't exactly work, now did it? Can you really blame me for not wanting to go through that again?"

"So what, is our relationship forever going to be built on _once burned, twice shy_? Why the hell are we even trying to get over our past if we're never going to get out of this cycle, huh? What the hell do I have to do to not be seen as a _monster_ , most of all to _you_?"" His face burned red with anger, voice booming with it, but Jim could see the emotional torment behind his eyes, overwhelming him to the point of heartbreak.

Any reply, any words of comfort Jim had died on his lips when he spotted Uhura peeking around a corner. Bones turned to follow his gaze and inwardly groaned. Gripping Bones tighter, they continued the trek back to their quarters, Jim wondering the whole way how long it would take for the lieutenant to report back to Spock about their conversation.

"We're going to have to finish this conversation somewhere less public."

"Face it, Jim... we're just going to have to tell them if we ever want to gain back any semblance of privacy."

 

* * *

 

When Spock entered his quarters after his shift the next day, he paused momentarily when he saw the concerned look Uhura was giving him from her seat by the door. When the door whooshed shut behind him, she slid a padd across the small table in front of her before leaning back on the settee.

"We've received an invitation to dinner in the captain's mess tomorrow night." Uhura settled her hands on her knees, if only to keep them from tearing her hair out with worry.

Understanding the tense nature of her words, Spock crossed the few feet between them and picked up the padd, reviewing the message.

"Given my last encounter with Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy, the invitation suggests an ulterior motive on their behalf."

"McCoy probably wants to showcase Jim to us on a leash, thinking we'll leave them alone after their little charade. They caught me watching them argue in the hallway. McCoy was yelling at Jim as he just stood there, with this hurt look on his face. I wouldn't be shocked if this was all some cheap ploy into making us think its all roses with them." She had always believed such barbaric, backward behaviors had vanished a few generations after the Earth realized they weren't alone amongst the stars, but if her time in Starfleet had taught her anything, pockets existed not just on Romulus and Kronos. She felt awful for not recognizing the signs sooner. "I just can't believe that no one saw this before now… What kind of friends does that make us?"

"I think it best to accept the invitation, to discover what subterfuge they are planning and rectify the situation immediately, as true friends would be inclined to do."

 

*~*~*

 

At 1900 hours, Uhura and Spock arrived at the captain's mess and were ushered in by Bones. Jim smiled as he poured two glasses of wine, handing one off to Uhura as she sat down, before pouring water for Spock and Bones. They awkwardly tucked into their meals, making stilted small talk about the ship's status and plans for the upcoming shore leave. The conversation was staccato but polite, prompting Bones to arch an eyebrow as Jim poured more wine after their plates had been cleared away.

"So, as I'm sure you've already guessed, there is another reason why we asked you to come for dinner tonight."

Neither of them was expecting Jim to come out and say it, and Uhura shot them a surprised look, before attempting to cover it by drinking deeply from her glass. Spock just continued to watch them with an air of nonchalance, though he wasn't really fooling anyone. Bones chuckled at the pair of them.

"No reason to act shocked. Did you really think we wouldn't catch on to what you were doing? How stupid do you think we are?"

"I think what Bones is trying to say is that we need to clear up a few things and this was the best way we could think of that wouldn't be too public." Jim shifted in his chair and polished off the last of his wine in a single gulp before turning his head to Uhura. "The day you saw me at the Academy looking for someone to cover my club duties was because Bones attacked me in our dorm the night before. I was waiting for him to come-to, so we could talk and I didn't want to risk him waking up alone."

Bones reached a hand across the table and Jim grasped it tightly in his own.

"He had gotten some bad news from his ex-wife and decided to drown his sorrows in _a lot_ of alcohol. I was coming home from a party and in his inebriated state, Bones jumped me. Which is what you caught a glimpse of, Spock. The next day, I found out what had set him off and figured we could just talk about it and it would be all right. We realized later that it wasn't working and we decided to see someone about.

"We still are, actually. When Bones came to get me that day in the mess, it was to see him after that incident on the bridge, not some effort to keep me from talking to you guys. So what we need you to realize is that I am not in some abusive relationship, mentally or physically. Everything you thought you were seeing after what happened is just how we are. I don't like to go to sickbay because I have an unreasonable fear of hyposprays and Bones will always be a cranky old fart."

Bones snorted, squeezing his fingers around Jim's. "We've been seeing Talloc for three years now." He thought it best to speak clinically, and let Jim fill in the more emotional aspects of their situation. It was definitely something he was well suited for, a trait that made him such a good captain. "Through Talloc's efforts, I've worked through the base of my anger problems and have been enjoying sobriety, you know, when crazy natives aren't threatening to kill you unless you toast one to their pantheon of gods."

"Hell," Jim quipped, "that stuff tasted more like furniture shellac than alcohol, so I think you get a pass on that one."

"I had it tested afterward and it _was_ furniture shellac. Or damn close to it, which explains why the whole away team were sicker than dogs." They both shared a laugh at that, Uhura chiming in with a chuckle as well, remembering the incident in question in vivid, disgusting detail. "Either way, you two don't have to worry about us. We have this under control and it's been working for us for this long."

Spock didn't seem so convinced by their explanation. "When I came into contact with the captain, the brief sense of deep-seated fear that I felt would suggest otherwise."

Bones and Jim traded a look. "That… was mostly a knee-jerk reaction, a form of post-traumatic stress, and there is a good chance that I may always have it. It happens every now and again but we have a repertoire of exercises we use, and Talloc has made himself available for us when it does occur. Right now, I'm not afraid of Bones hurting me again, but when I mistake something like that for a threat, that kind of regression takes over."

"But what about that argument I saw in the corridor? McCoy looked like he was ready to tear your head off... and you just stood there and _took_ it. And Spock said that he witnessed McCoy manhandling you on the observation deck. That's not what a healthy relationship needs."

" _That_ is because every now and again, we enjoy getting a little... let's say _enthusiastic_ , in the bedroom. Not that something like that is any of your business. As for the fight, truth be told, it was actually just what we needed. It helped me realize that I had been treating Bones unfairly."

"Don't misunderstand him," Bones clarified, "I have owned up to my actions time and again. It was entirely my fault. I will never forget about what I did, but everything that's happened since the day on the bridge, that fight, it allowed us both to see that Jim's fear, that _deep-seated_ bit you saw, Spock, it was because of something else."

"Even with all the therapy and exercises, I hadn't noticed that when I had a reaction to an argument or an assumed threat, we'd go through the motions, the bonding exercises, but I wasn't living up to my end of our relationship." Jim sat forward in his chair. "See, my mistake was pretending that nothing happened, forgiving Bones and thinking things would go back to normal. But they didn't. And that's why we've been working so hard ever since, to truly move past it. Not that simple, though. A part of me was still afraid, not of him, but of what he did.

"It's kinda like when someone cheats on you. You move past it, you think your relationship is stronger for working through what was wrong, but a part of you, that little voice in the back of your head, will always think they're capable of cheating on you again. I was afraid if I forgave him like I originally did, that we'd end up reliving the pretenses of those weeks after the fight. We'd spent so long trying to make sure Bones wouldn't lose control again that we didn't focus on making sure that he knew I didn't blame him anymore." Jim turned in his chair to look at Bones pointedly. "That he knew I didn't think of him as some kind of monster."

Bones smiled at Jim in return for the sentiment. "So I guess we should actually be thanking you. It was because Jim decided to outright _ignore_ any fallout with you two, or anyone else, that got us squabbling in the first place. And it dawned on me that in trying to run damage control, since he didn't want anyone thinking any differently of me, it was because _he_ still thought, somewhere deep down, differently of me. In dealing with his own pain, and rightfully so, we'd both been ignoring _my_ turmoil in always being seen as someone to be feared in his eyes, which wasn't helped at all by you two."

He suddenly pointed at Uhura with a sharp jab of his finger. "And don't think I don't know it was _you_ who was whispering in my staffs' ears that I was some kind of sadistic abuser."

Uhura had the good grace to appear ashamed for her actions, ducking her head in the face of Bones' ire.

Jim reached out to cover Bones' accusing finger with a hand, gently lowering it back down to the table. "And that's going to be the next step in counseling. Bones has proven he is a man of greater worth and ambitions in overcoming his past, and now we need to work on reaffirming my complete trust that he has changed. So in the end, I guess this whole debacle was a good thing."

"So you really are going to be all right? We don't have to worry about some major blowout between you two?"

"Let's face facts, we aren't always going to agree on everything."

"And he's still going to act like an arrogant little brat who's been given the keys to a candy store."

" _Act like_?"

"Point taken."

Upon seeing the looks they were getting from Uhura and Spock, they stopped the bantering. "No, you don't have to worry. Things are what they are, for better or worse. Though, it does speak volumes that you guys went to all those lengths because you thought you were protecting me. Just proves that your true friends reveal themselves when the chips are down."

"It proves that if I ever did relapse, I'd have the entire crew compliment out for my blood. Speaks to how these people love you, Jim, just like I do."

Jim smiled and leaned in for a kiss. "Love you too, Bones."

The four of them spent the next few hours talking about love and relationships, furthering the rumor factory as they discussed who was shacking up with whom. Though Spock remained neutral on that topic, the conversation flowed much more easily than before the air had been cleared. When the wine was finally gone, the topic turned briefly to who on the crew had the best stash of liquor squirreled away, before Jim and Bones finally stood, causing Uhura and Spock to follow suit.

Uhura flashed them a smile, relieved that the evening had turned into something pleasant, instead of potentially tragic. "Thank you for dinner, gentlemen, it was lovely. It's a weight off my shoulders knowing you boys are all right. And sorry for jumping to such horrible conclusions and spreading it around to everyone. By tomorrow, it won't even be an issue anymore, I'll make sure of it." She kissed them both on the cheek and smiled brightly. Spock nodded to them both, still appearing somewhat apprehensive.

"Come on Spock, why still with the sourpuss? You'd know better than anyone if we were trying to snow you."

"This whole situation has left me pondering the idiom 'every cloud has a silver lining'. It amazes me how you can take an unfortunate occurrence such as the one you two have described and molded it into a beneficial aspect of your partnership. It truly is fascinating, and it speaks highly of the Terran ability to make the best of any situation."

"Glad you think so, buddy. Now, if you will kindly excuse us, there is still make-up sex to be had and we don't fancy it a spectators sport." Waving goodbye, Spock and Uhura left, hand in hand, Uhura looking back to see the door closing on Jim and McCoy, Jim melting in McCoy's embrace as they passionately kissed.

She was left with not only a scorching hot mental image but with proof that the captain really was happy and safe in the arms of the cantankerous doctor.

 

**The End.**


End file.
